Caveat Emptor

the bible is such an inspiration. I'm currently unemployed. ecclesiastes 1.3 definitely motivates me to remain unemployed. :) Actually, I'm pretty desperate for a job at this point. I'm willing to do almost anything.

I have this strange desire to prove to a friend that I'm worth her time. But in the back of my mind I know it's something I should keep my nose out of. I haven't really been involved in such a long time. Sometimes I wonder if I was ever really involved in her life at all. It must've been real. I remember it being wonderful after all. But she's preoccupied with her life, love, and a few other things. :(

it's remarkable how new discoveries in quantum physics are suggesting that eastern philosophies are more consistent with science than western religious ideas. I guess the remarkable part is that people still have an uneducated backwoods perception of god.

three tangents, completely unrelated. but really they're all one.

considering there's an infinite amount of knowledge in the world, who really knows anything?

Light of the world
Are you still here?
And are we illuminating?
When love becomes a delicate display
So weak dissolved by anything

Love lies here waiting all alone
Can a king be a king
Weighed down?

Our hearts a bubble maker's dream
Moved on by winds of everything
As we deny that love is still the king
Not as weak as we make him out to be

Love lies here waiting all alone
Can a king be a king
Weighed down?

joc

electricity. it runs in my veins.
I'm falling for it again. the charm, the raw energy. electric.
where'd my money go? electric.
where'd my pride go? electric.
what about my mind? electric.
exoskeletal. biomechanical. electric sex.
don't flip the switch.

I was slightly inebriated last night. I said a little more than I should've about my relationship with my roommate. Bleh. So several sober people overheard what I thought about it. I imagine it's only a matter of time before that information gets into the wrong hands. Yes, I know there's no ring on my finger. There's not one on hers either. That doesn't make 6 years any easier to give up though.

I love you.
I want to love you.
but you're infibulated.

I was on the brink of getting engaged once. I had a beautiful ring picked out. A white gold band with an exquisite black pearl surrouned by two small diamonds. The perfect choice for an eccentric I suppose. While I lived in Chicago it seemed like good idea. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I'd be tied down to someone I wasn't even sure about. It's rather upsetting too. Because now I spend all my time trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. And I know what I want, but I fill it up with dreams of travel, hopes of success, and years of wasting time trying to make a decision. Reality has proven that I just can't move on. As much as I try not to hurt my friends and family, they're all just waiting for me to do something, anything at all to get out of this rut.

Does anyone know what it takes to be happy? If nobody replies, I might just have to go find it for myself. So much for being the scion of a carpenter. Or the next soccer prodigy. Sooner than later this dream of traveling will escape me too. What's next? A nice trailer at the Village Green? How about scooping the loop? Those aspirations are really fabulous. Maybe I can hang out at Max's Clubs House, or that run down pool hall across from 13th floor. I'd probably end up with a DUI. It would rock to get a girl drunk and end up riding her home on my hip new Vespa. I could even have a full time job with benifits at Aisin. Working my ass off for a few bucks an hour. But the overtime is great. I might be able to pay off my trailer in 15 years if I work 14 hour shifts seven days a week. And I could even start an ebay business. I could sell my old clothes instead of donating them from goodwill (where I bought them in the first place) to help out other seymorons.

Perhaps I could finish my degree. Computer Science and Physics.. it might land me on the moon. Literally. If I could compete with the Berkeley students, the MIT students, the dartmouth students. The ones that think it's brilliant to drink warm cabernet sauvignon with their pizza hut. I hate to break it to them. Cabernet is nice, but it's not the same as a swedish clove cigarette and scotch on the rocks. Redneck is defined as the glorious absence of sophistication. Perhaps I'm a cynical asshole, but a $20 bottle of wine and a degree doesn't mean sophisticated. And I'm going to get out of school with honors. I might even get a great entry level postition at a prestigious software engineering firm. And if I spend all my time working there, I might be able to afford some nice clothing for my children to wear to high school. Because looking good in high school is so important. I guess a 9 to 5 job working on carpal tunnel syndrome and obesity isn't so bad. At least I get a week's paid vacation. Maybe I could take a cruise.

Something else I could do with my life.. I could spend my time waiting for something exciting to happen. Hell, I could even try and make something exciting happen. Dreadz Shakedown Summer Formal. A trippy party. Dancing, singing, dressing up. I'm going as the Pied Piper of Hamelin. I might even learn to play the flute for the event. Or I could start a business. Clientel in Indiana.. yay.

Fuck all the things I could do. I'm getting the hell out of this town. There's nothing left for me to wait on anyway. Not life, or love or happiness. Not even the fucking Holy Ghost (acts chapter 2). Amen preacher man.

once in awhile I'm faced with a decision that I feel is going to be life changing.
like quitting smoking.
or cutting my losses in a relationship
but then I remember the ecclesiates.

for just a moment consider life versus infinity.
time cannot be beaten.
love is just a memory
happiness isn't real.

the everyday smile of a coworker
facade
the opinion of a friend
precipice

both are ridiculous
live and let live
chances for true love and happiness probably happen more often than not
just be willing to give them a chance

beat down, drunken fool
soma holidays are comfortably numb
a brave new world exists
emotion is dead

last night I talked to her again. and again I got caught up in this pipe dream. like I might remember what it's like to be happy. to be in love. in the past I've been hung up on her for months. perhaps more like eight years. once, I even tried to convince her to run away with me. no cigar. be it known, that in my minds eye, I see her face, she smiles and she shows me love. absolutely beautiful. amazingly brilliant. if only I could be an intelligent one.. because me and my intellect should be able to figure out that this discussion that happens every so often seems more and more like a cheap blow under the belt. a way to make me think that maybe she's caught up too. the problem is, she lets me down every time. let me down. down. sometimes I wonder why she does this to me. I'm never bitter. I'm always in love. I just wonder sometimes. does she need me to boost her ego? does she really want me to sweep her off her feet? because I'd do anything I could if all the things I think we want together could be real.. ice.

don't forget me.

I wish I had what I needed
To be on my own
'Cause I feel so defeated
And I'm feeling alone

And it all seems so helpless
And I have no plans
I'm a plane in the sunset
With nowhere to land

And all I see
It could never make me happy
And all my sand castles
Spend their time collapsing

Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
Let that be enough

It's my birthday tomorrow
No one here could know
I was born this Sunday
22 years ago

And I feel stuck
Watching history repeating
Yeah, who am I?
Just a kid who knows he's needy

Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
And let that be enough

I woke up on Sunday morning. It's been three days and land is nowhere in sight. The pungent stench of refugees was almost unbearable. Wildlife was seemingly non-existent.

There were 37 of us. Huddled in a circle, nameless, faceless. And the cold night wind. Brrrr. Some were children. Some were elderly. It would seem the stars outnumber us tonight.

Panic roused on one end of the raft. Some scattered from the epicenter as the water exploded into the air. The boat was filling fast. We were sinking.

"The raft!! It's sinking!"

I reply, "Is there a patch kit?"

One of the Cubans fumbles for a raft band-aid. Meanwhile panic spreads. The weight of the raft shifted away from the hole. Slowly the pin prick hole rose into the air. We were capsizing.

"Rico!", I screamed trying to control the situation. "Make them spread out. We're sinking!"

Rico quickly took the children from their parents and sent them to my end of the raft. Their families soon followed. The rest of the Cubans were instructed to spread out as much as possible.

Meanwhile, I was working on patching the boat. Saltwater doesn't help the adhesive stick very well. The raft had lost too much air. It wouldn't be long before someone would have to get out and attempt inflating the boat.

Finally, I secured the patch. The raft was severely deflated. Thirty-Seven of us, putting faith in an inflatable raft foolishly crossing the Caribbean. We could taste freedom, and now we're on the brink of being lost forever.

The sun was rising. The long night was over. The raft is in terrible condition. People are irritable; no one has slept.

What one notices in the Caribbean waiting for the cosmic powers of the universe, is the vast amount of ocean, and the little amount of land. We trusted a raft more than we trusted the Cuban empire. Some were escaped convicts. Others were former political leaders fleeing the wrath of the system. Me, I just needed a change in my life.

My faith in the raft was steadfast. I knew that the two of us would get the other thirty-six safely to the coast of Florida. The raft god wouldn't let me down. He couldn't let me down. The good book said so. I put the instruction manual in a safe place. It's the guide to life when the ocean is getting you down.

"If it's the will of the raft, we will surely die.", I preached to the Cubans.

None of them understood what I was saying.

I read the Raft Manual and did as it said. I was begging, pleading, worshiping. The Cubans thought I was crazy. How could they deny it though? The raft clearly held our lives. Today it showed no mercy. Slowly the raft deflated. The patch wasn't holding. But in the distance we could see the Tortugas.

Freedom, less than 7 miles away. The refugees started paddling. I started paddling. The raft proved to be seaworthy after all. Merciful and kind. Giving us all a new beginning.

"We have never seen any evidence to suggest that LSD causes the spine to move upwards (or in any direction). Likewise, though a common rumor, there are no studies or case reports which suggest that LSD causes the brain to bleed or hemorrhage."

the depths of my mind are beyond even me. sometimes I wonder where I come up with this shit.

sexual healing. help me prevent prostate cancer.

feed me. fill me up again.

I'm blind. the light, it's so bright. so bright. so brilliant. the moths all follow me.

the effects smoking has on the brain are really remarkable. the alkaloids introduced to the brain instantly cause synapses to fire causing the mind to focus it's attention on detail oriented tasks.

Is it wrong to use the "power of Christ" as a means of controlling social situations?